All About Bitch

Okay, so here's one big email to everybody that's been writing me and asking about BITCH MAGAZINE. Unfortunately, I no longer have any copies of any issues of BITCH. But the good news is I just recently got back in touch with the main guy, the main dude, the head honcho of the BITCH archives. So, maybe there's hope yet for y'all. I'll hit him up for info and pass it along.
For now, though, here's something that might be of interest. While I no longer have copies of BITCH, oddly enough, I still have issues of some fanzines I used to write for. One in particular called NEON ANGELS. Here's a quick history about those fanzine days, and then I'll get to the main thingy regarding BITCH.

I started writing for music fanzines in, like, 1984, I think. I was raging with creative hormones and couldn't spew enough about my favorite bands, and my obsessions. In 1985 I hooked up with this little faggity fag who called himself Betty Bondage. He started a fanzine called NEON ANGELS, in which he only wrote about bands that Kim Fowley created (The Runaways, Venus and the Razorblades, The Orchids). When Betty Bondage invited me to write for his 'zine I told him I would, but only if could write about other bands, like Rock Goddess, Leather Angel, Screamin' Sirens, Frightwig, The Pandoras, etc. He, of course, was too intimidated to deny me any kinda creative freedoms. I mean, for the first year I knew him, man, his hands would shake when he talked to me. I'd always take my friends to his pad in The Castro and we'd use his computer to make flyers for bands, and we'd eat all his food. I'm pretty sure that deep down in his fat gut he hated me with passion.
Anyhow, when BITCH MAGAZINE asked me to write for 'em this Betty Bondage dude took cattiness to a new level. He hated that I was 'moving on' and he wasn't. So, I assured him I'd still write for NEON ANGELS...but now I had a new stipulation. I wanted to be the publisher and editor of every other issue. He agreed, with attitude of course. Up until I joined his 'zine, NEON ANGELS consisted mostly of interviews and pix that he'd reprinted from other magazines. It wasn't real focused or organized. When I put out an issue of NEON ANGELS, I'd put anyone on the cover that I might have a crush on at the moment - including Gary Ryan, original bassist for Joan Jett's band. I printed live shots of bands that I took myself, and I did lots of reviews. And I dragged Betty Bondage out of his flat to meet the bands he loved, then we'd write about 'em. Okay, I'm not sure why but Betty Bondage decides he wants to write a story about the day he and I first met BITCH editor, Twersky. I told him that if he does he can only have it published in an issue that I put out (so that if I didn't like anything he wrote I would have the power to edit the hell out of it).
Well, the story turned out to be pretty fucking funny. I mean, it's a true account of that day, but I'd say maybe only 95% of it is really accurate. I'll leave it up to your good judgment as to which parts are embellished. Since I was the publisher / editor / main writer of the issue that this particular story appeared, I hold the copyright, ergo, I have full control to re-print the story.
So, here it is in its entirety - just as it appeared in NEON ANGELS, circa 1987. Now remember...the writer is a queer boy...so watch out for the high dramatics, okay?

The Day Betty Bondage and Danise met Bitch Editor Ms. Twersky

It may come as a shock to some of you but before Danise became famous by writing for Bitch Magazine she got her start right here at Neon Angels. Actually, she got her first big break at being a teen idol while writing for Girls With Gits in NYC, but you'll have to ask Jen Zen for THAT story.
Now, the following is strictly from memory. Danise may have a different recollection, and I'm sure Twersky does. About a year ago it was decided by Twersky that she wanted to meet Danise, who at that time had been contributing to Bitch for months without ever meeting the staff face to face because she didn't want to. And Danise made a decision of her own: She didn't want to meet these people alone! Honey, as scary as Miss Danise can be sometimes, she's still just a shy little girl when it comes to meeting new people! So, on that day I took B.A.R.T. (our local subway system) from San Francisco to San Jose and Danise picked me up - about 30 minutes late! Anyway, you would think she would drive straight (I mean, gayly forward) to the Bitch offices, right? But no. Danise had to first finish writing a story for Bitch that was due a month ago! The fact that it was already 11:30 and we were supposed to meet Twersky at noon didn't seem to bother Danise in the least. We get to Danise's lovely home, and did I mention it was a lovely stucco house? Anyway, Danise starts typing away with her stereo full blast. We were listening to, if memory serves me correctly, HANK WILLIAMS!!!!!!!!! Girl, I am NOT lying! But anyway, I was real excited to be at her house cuz I'd never been there before. Let me try to describe the scene here: First of all, Danise has foil on the windows ("I hate the sun", she told me), so it's completely dark inside. She has about 5 lamps in one room, and they either have low-wattage bulbs or colored bulbs! Too COOL!! So it feels kinda sexy being here, and I'm starting to doubt my homosexuality! The walls are purple and the doors are blue in this one room...honey, she is one weird kid! She has old bottles that are different colors too ("Don't touch 'em, sit over there" she warned me just 'cause I LOOKED at 'em!). And she has 4 Janis Joplin posters framed behind non-glare glass...and books stacked EVERYWHERE. I suggest she buy a bookshelf, but she just gave me a dirty look! Don't give ME attitude, girl, 'cause I will read your beads!
Anyway, Danise finally decides to call Twersky to say WE are running late. Sugar, I was right on time...YOU are running late! Twersky says "Fine". Danise hangs up her telephone and says: "Twersky said she should warn us that she looks 'motherly'...what the fuck does that mean?" Pretty soon after that a very attractive girl walks in wearing only a beach towel around her supermodel body - now I know why Danise was late picking me up!!! The girl promptly walks over and turns down the volume of the stereo even though Danise said she better not touch it! Next thing I know, it's 3pm. Danise orders me to call Twersky to say we haven't even left yet. I call and say "What's the latest we can come?" Twersky says "as soon as possible, since we all are here and are waiting."
After Danise sweet-talked a twenty dollar bill out of the naked girl (!) we finally left the house. We jumped in her dark blue Mustang and were on our way. At the time that this story took place, Danise and I were all of 21 years old - the growing years! So, we stopped at McDonald's. She bought herself a cheeseburger without onions. I had to pay for my own burger! When we finally made it to Twersky's house it is around 5pm. We go inside to find everyone has already left. I try to be pleasant and polite and on my best behavior knowing Twersky must be pretty pissed. We heard some dishes rattle violently in the kichen and Danise commented so only I could hear: "Someone is having a cow, I think" to which I laughed at just as Twersky emerged from the kitchen of her spacious split-level duplex, and announced she has hayfever. She then turned her back to re-set her record player. Danise whispered something else to me that I can't remember now but I think it was about the cat. I giggled again, then Twersky turned and looked at us, suspiciously. Here's our conversation: